Vivald|sSiMo

Monday, April 30, 2007 Hello

Well it has been a long time since i blogged. been busy with Chamber sounds, POTO, teaching and other stuff. it has been a few hectic weeks of rushing from teaching to POTO, going for rehearsals at school then rushing to teach again. been stressing myself out with the pressure of playing well for each POTO night. so much that i fell sick and last night was by far my worst show. i had a blocked ear due to my wonderful flu and i could not hear well. so i freaked out and could not play well. the 2nd act was a disaster man. i felt dame bad after the show and felt like giving up. each night i try my best to perform well. but i just can't do it. for what reason, i don't know. I remember telling my desk partner "If i knew this (me playing badly) was going to happen i would not have taken part. I would not want the make the ensemble sound bad." night after night i feel more and more useless and i feel like i made the biggest desicion in my life. sure it is easy for others to say that "hey it was not that bad" well bad is bad and there is no such thing as "not that bad". I am no prodigy and i am certainly no talent, i worked hard over the past years but i guess at this point, I realised i have not worked hard enough. being a musician you are paid to play your music. do what you are paid for. when that goes wrong you feel that the money you earn is guilty money. Ppl pay good money to watch a musical they did not pay to hear crap. oh well.

I try and try to do the best i can but each time i keep failing at it.

anyway i would liek to share with you a pic of my idol ahahha

now isn't she just beautiful hahahaa

Anyway the only good thing i know that has happened is my thrid year results. ahahhaa not bad all A's and B's and only two c's hahahaa never have i gotten such grades hee hee. I remember that when i first stated my 3rd, i told myself i must get only A's and b's well i guess i got what i worked for hee hee so proud of myself. ahhaha

Having played so badly i now feel that my future is very slim. playing like this i don't even dare dream to go to Germany and Vienna where music is of the finest quality. so ppl are just so lucky winning scholarships, auditions, prestigious schools. sigh. i'm living a lie. who am i kidding man i guess i just be stuck here and teach primary schools haha. oh well.

This sucks. I hate making music now.

Don't ask me whty i don;t talk about it in person. cause i don;t. i don't trust anyone enough to talk about this. so pls. don't bother asking. thank you.

CHOWS~

You have been graced by MR.VoGue at -12:12 PM-

Friday, April 20, 2007 Words....

How words can do good and bad at the same is what amazes me the most. how one day one can say nice things and just make your day, at the next day just hurt your feelings with other words. I have realised that you are not a friend worth keeping. I don';t need a "friend" who changes his/her actions or words towards me just because your day was such. Last year you were really nice and fun to be around. but now i see your true colours. not only towards me but to some ppl around you. I will delete you from my life subtly, and you will not know what happened.

...................................

Why are there so many signs pointing me in the same direction. what are the ppl or event happening around me trying to say. is destiny or fate hinting to me on what is to come. I need answers and i need them badly now. I need to know what is going on in your mind so that i can be at ease. I will get my answer but looks like the whole world knows the answer except me. Too many signs can be very daunting.

...................................

Many things to do so little time. worst then being in school.

CHOWS~

You have been graced by MR.VoGue at -1:54 PM-

Tuesday, April 17, 2007 Love stories

I went to watch to good movies recently, one is 2oo pounds of beauty and the other Nada sousou. Two beautiful love stories that captured me so much. of the two Nada sousou was my Fav. i watched it and it touched me so much. such a beautiful story and nice music too. here is the song the movie was based on. read the english translation. very meaningful. I truly envy those who have the gift of melody and good lyric writing. so powerful especially if it touches the hearts of millions around the world. Well i can't explain in words how nice it was to watch that movie.

Nada Sousou
Lyrics: Moriyama Yoshiko

Furui ARUBAMU mekuri

Arigatou tte tsubuyaita

Itsumo itsumo mune no naka

Hagemashite kureru hito yo

Hare wataru hi mo ame no hi mo

Ukabu ano egao

Omoide tooku asete mo

Omokage sagashite

Yomigaeru hi wa nada sousou

~
Ichiban hoshi ni inoru

Sore ga watashi nokuse ni nari

Yuugure ni miageru sora

Kokoro ippai anata sagasu

Kanashimi ni mo yorokobi ni mo

Omou ano egao

Anata no basho kara watashi ga

Mietara kitto itsuka

Aeru to shinji ikite yuku

~
Hare wataru hi mo ame no hi mo

Ukabua no egao

Omoide tooku asete mo

Samishikute koishikute

Kimi he no omoi nada sousou

Aitakute aitakute

Kimi he no omoi nada sousou

ENGLISH

Turning the pages of an old photo album

I said a quiet "thank you" to you,

Who always encourages me in my heart

In a sunny day or a rainy day,

It's your smile that I remember

Even if memories dull out far away

I look for a trace, and when it comes back, my tears fall down

Praying on the first star out has become my habit

And in the darkening sky, I look for you with my heart full

In grief and in happiness

It's your smile that I remember

If you can see me from where you are

Then I live, believing that I can see you again

In a sunny day or a rainy day,

It's your smile that I remember

Even if memories dull out far away

Being lonely, and missing you,

My feelings for you bring tears falling down

Wanting to see you,

My feelings for you bring tears falling down

-Natsukawa Rimi-

POTO: 30 shows down, 32 more to go. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!

I miss my Friend Mei Ling. If you read this, Hope you are doin fine and well. Take care GOd Bless.

CHOWS~

You have been graced by MR.VoGue at -10:06 AM-

Friday, April 13, 2007

You Are My sunshine

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping

I dreamed I held you in my arms

When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken

So I hung my head and cried

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

I'll always love you and make you happy

If you will only say the same

But if you leave me to love another

You'll regret it all someday

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

You told me once, dear, you really loved me

And no one else could come between.

But now you've left me and love another,

You have shattered all my dreams.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

Such a beautiful song. so simple and nice yet so full of meaning. I dedicate this to YOU.

CHOWS~

You have been graced by MR.VoGue at -9:49 AM-

Monday, April 09, 2007 I'm tyring

well it has been a long time since i blogged. well it has been a trying week week for me. feeling very very demoralised and upset constantly. How some things can just get to me so easily.

Was feeling stressed about many things last week, POTO, my playing, personal problems, my future, pleasing others, tolerating ppls crap, hopeless students, bad planning etc. I hate it when ppl tell me MY mistakes, as if i do not know my MISTAKES, it would really help if ppl trusted me that i will correct my own mistakes. i'm not dumb. i can hear when its good or bad.

had one bad POTO night last week which resulted in some of the musicians talking about what happened. well some of the things they were talking about was, intonation, and bad notes etc. then my friend said this which got me thinking, "That is why i don't do music professionally, we end up talking about how bad it was and intonation etc...why can't we just make music and be happy.." well i felt it was true in some ways. true that as professional music students, we think too much about what we are doing and we forget what we are actually doing....MUSIC.

More problems with POTO, the conductor wants us to play notes better. the conductor wants the notes more. she says we have bad split notes. oh well the conductor is always right. as a result we followed orders and played with almost no mistakes. of course there were some very careless mistakes. but at the expense of music. My teacher always says, " the music is more important... no point if you are technically flawless when you have no music in you." words that i will cherish and stick by cause i believe in it. so for the POTO performances we'll be playing just notes. no expressions. sad. MUSIC has become an un-important factor nowadays. oh well. i need to earn money to get a horn.

words can hurt a person especially coming from a friend whom i never tot would say such things. how money can drive a person to be someone unexpected. sad. if i were to lose my cool this easily i would not have so many good friends now. Patience is everything. patience which i have for some ppl are much more then i have ever given. I have a new impression on you now. sadly.

Sadly money does drive the would.

Thank you God for keeping me strong when i was weak.
Thank you God for guiding me when i was lost
Thank you God for holding my tongue when i was tempted to speak evil
Thank you God for being there by my side in my weakest moment.
Thank you God for the Patience you have given me.
Thank you God for Giving me a job.

I was at my low last week. feeling like giving up whatever i was doing. and more problems just kept piling up. trying to make ends meet trying to please people around me. trying to be a good musician. trying to make my teacher proud. I'm trying...i'm truly trying.

I miss your friendship.

CHOWS~

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