Monday, April 09, 2007
I'm tyring
well it has been a long time since i blogged. well it has been a trying week week for me. feeling very very demoralised and upset constantly. How some things can just get to me so easily.
Was feeling stressed about many things last week, POTO, my playing, personal problems, my future, pleasing others, tolerating ppls crap, hopeless students, bad planning etc. I hate it when ppl tell me MY mistakes, as if i do not know my MISTAKES, it would really help if ppl trusted me that i will correct my own mistakes. i'm not dumb. i can hear when its good or bad.
had one bad POTO night last week which resulted in some of the musicians talking about what happened. well some of the things they were talking about was, intonation, and bad notes etc. then my friend said this which got me thinking, "That is why i don't do music professionally, we end up talking about how bad it was and intonation etc...why can't we just make music and be happy.." well i felt it was true in some ways. true that as professional music students, we think too much about what we are doing and we forget what we are actually doing....MUSIC.
More problems with POTO, the conductor wants us to play notes better. the conductor wants the notes more. she says we have bad split notes. oh well the conductor is always right. as a result we followed orders and played with almost no mistakes. of course there were some very careless mistakes. but at the expense of music. My teacher always says, " the music is more important... no point if you are technically flawless when you have no music in you." words that i will cherish and stick by cause i believe in it. so for the POTO performances we'll be playing just notes. no expressions. sad. MUSIC has become an un-important factor nowadays. oh well. i need to earn money to get a horn.
words can hurt a person especially coming from a friend whom i never tot would say such things. how money can drive a person to be someone unexpected. sad. if i were to lose my cool this easily i would not have so many good friends now. Patience is everything. patience which i have for some ppl are much more then i have ever given. I have a new impression on you now. sadly.
Sadly money does drive the would.
Thank you God for keeping me strong when i was weak.
Thank you God for guiding me when i was lost
Thank you God for holding my tongue when i was tempted to speak evil
Thank you God for being there by my side in my weakest moment.
Thank you God for the Patience you have given me.
Thank you God for Giving me a job.
I was at my low last week. feeling like giving up whatever i was doing. and more problems just kept piling up. trying to make ends meet trying to please people around me. trying to be a good musician. trying to make my teacher proud. I'm trying...i'm truly trying.
I miss your friendship.
CHOWS~
You have been graced by MR.VoGue at -12:27 PM-
