Well it has been a long time since i blogged. been busy with Chamber sounds, POTO, teaching and other stuff. it has been a few hectic weeks of rushing from teaching to POTO, going for rehearsals at school then rushing to teach again. been stressing myself out with the pressure of playing well for each POTO night. so much that i fell sick and last night was by far my worst show. i had a blocked ear due to my wonderful flu and i could not hear well. so i freaked out and could not play well. the 2nd act was a disaster man. i felt dame bad after the show and felt like giving up. each night i try my best to perform well. but i just can't do it. for what reason, i don't know. I remember telling my desk partner "If i knew this (me playing badly) was going to happen i would not have taken part. I would not want the make the ensemble sound bad." night after night i feel more and more useless and i feel like i made the biggest desicion in my life. sure it is easy for others to say that "hey it was not that bad" well bad is bad and there is no such thing as "not that bad". I am no prodigy and i am certainly no talent, i worked hard over the past years but i guess at this point, I realised i have not worked hard enough. being a musician you are paid to play your music. do what you are paid for. when that goes wrong you feel that the money you earn is guilty money. Ppl pay good money to watch a musical they did not pay to hear crap. oh well.
I try and try to do the best i can but each time i keep failing at it.
anyway i would liek to share with you a pic of my idol ahahha
now isn't she just beautiful hahahaa
Anyway the only good thing i know that has happened is my thrid year results. ahahhaa not bad all A's and B's and only two c's hahahaa never have i gotten such grades hee hee. I remember that when i first stated my 3rd, i told myself i must get only A's and b's well i guess i got what i worked for hee hee so proud of myself. ahhaha
Having played so badly i now feel that my future is very slim. playing like this i don't even dare dream to go to Germany and Vienna where music is of the finest quality. so ppl are just so lucky winning scholarships, auditions, prestigious schools. sigh. i'm living a lie. who am i kidding man i guess i just be stuck here and teach primary schools haha. oh well.
This sucks. I hate making music now.
Don't ask me whty i don;t talk about it in person. cause i don;t. i don't trust anyone enough to talk about this. so pls. don't bother asking. thank you.
CHOWS~
