Saturday, March 31, 2007
Read if you want!!!!!
why do i feel that this is not turning out to be a good year. feeling miserable all the time. I tot when school was over i'll be fine but i am flooded with more problems and stress. Failed two auditions and feeling not too good about it. sigh not good enough for Asian standards and not good enough for international standards. How do i expect myself to go further if i can't pass auditions. My future is looking very slim right now.
Had a Chamber Sounds performance in the Morning at piggy's ex-school. made loads of mistakes and i feel very irritated about it. Simple music and i can't play properly then how do i expect myself to play those masterpieces. made lots of mistakes for Zeppy's Vogue piece too. sounded like crap on the recording.
I am truly dreaming too far. tooo far for me to reach. at times even, to far for me to even dream. everyone os doing well, passing auditions, getting into presigious schools, wonder when will it be my turn. My turn to feel joy of music.
Make mistakes for POTO constantly. when will i kick this habit of missing notes and playing rubbish. probably i will end up like a musical drop out. probably end up doing another job that requires less talent and playing skill.
My dream is going further and further each day. Each day it is getting tougher to touch the stars. TOday i told those little kids at the performance "I chose to follow my dream to be a musician" did i lie. i really did chose to be one but why am i not happy. why do i feel like giving up. it is easy to say that all will be fine, but it is harder to do.
More gigs coming up, am i up to it? will there be more mistakes? sigh sigh I have to play for a another sextet and feeling worried about that, will i make the group sound bad knowing that the members in ti are like so power pack. I guess i'll just play under the radar. we'll see how it goes. the last thing i need is another mistake. cant take any more of it.
As if my music side is not enough, i have a brain filled with nagging questions, thoughts about someone, dreams that only remain a dream. why do i have so many questions about one person? am i doubtful about that person? or is there something that is going to happen and my heart is warning me? i don't know. I recently have all this day-dreams about this same person. so much so i cannot control it. everytime i am not doing anything, the person just 'pops' in my mind. I have tried erasing the memories but i can't. What are you trying to tell, tell me now pls. i am driving myself mad. I have day-dreams of a happy life with this person. but this is person is just a friend and i know it. and i know that i do not feel anyhting beyond friendship for this person. why why why? why these questions? is this the one that is affecting my playing?? help me pls.
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
i have a choice to decide who i like to be around with and who i dislike. I don;t need to tell you my reasons. if i dislike your company i'll do anything to avoid it. not that i hate you, i hate your company. sorry. that is just me. if it bothers you then TOO BAD!!!!! you have become a person of little importance in my life.
CHOWS~
You have been graced by MR.VoGue at -5:54 PM-
